May 12, 2011

A letter for you

Filed under: Family,Writing — by badluckfairy @ 22:49

Thinking about it, I become terrified.

My mouth becomes dry, my heart begins to palpitate and my head begins to swim in thoughts I wish I hadn’t experienced.

Memories flood my vision and I can’t help but wish I had another chance.

If only I could be reasonable and wish for only a fleeting moment.  But no, I wish for an eternity that would be far more of a miracle than a mere fleeting moment.

I see your face.

How I long to be able to smell your aftershave.  To have you whisk me into your arms.  To even smell the tobacco as we sit in the car, creating our own little sanctuary of music and peace.

I remember the times when I did you wrong.  Regret sweeps over me as I remind myself that I was just a small child at the time.

It’s been so many years since I last heard your voice, I can almost hear it echoing now in my memory.

It’s not often that more than a day or two go by without me thinking of you and remembering just how much I miss you.

I remember the day you came to trim our hedge.  I was still in my pyjamas, but that didn’t stop me breaking free from the house and shadowing you for the entire time you worked.

You finished your tea and cigarette when you had finished.  The you bundled me into your arms and told me that the rest of the day was ours.

I remember how Mum protested, saying I needed to get dressed first.  But that didn’t stop you from carrying me to your car and whisking me away to teach me everything you could in the time we had together before the sun set.

I owe my love of words to you.

You’d sit me down at age four, give me the dictionary and give me a word to look up.

I would tell you the spelling of the word and the concise meaning.

Before I started school, you drove us to the school I would attend and explained to me what was going to happen.  On my first day, I had no anxiety, I loved every moment of the beginning of my learning journey.

You taught me riddles and rhymes.  For years I pondered on the answers, but when I had them I didn’t let on.  I was happy to let you continue to think I was puzzled, I took great delight in the triumphant look on your face each time you repeated your favourite riddle.

I miss you more than I can bear imagine any other being could comprehend.

My only comfort is that I hope I leave such lasting and vivid happy memories with the family I am creating.

You will always be in my heart, mind and memory.

With eternal love and regret, your youngest namesake x


April 28, 2011

Too much of a not so good thing…

Filed under: Family,Health,Kids,Single parents — by badluckfairy @ 23:18

Both of my children have had, well still have gastroenteritis for a week now.

I had no choice but to take them both with me to the supermarket this morning.  On the way my three year old son reminded me that ‘I don’t feel verwy wheel Mummy.’ this was the moment when severe anxiety about the impending shopping trip really kicked in.

I should’ve turned round, should’ve gone straight home.  But the fact was we had no milk, no bread, infact a totally empty fridge.  We needed supplies.

I gritted my teeth and tried hard to put myself in the mindset I did last time I had no choice but to brave a supermarket with a poorly child.

Oh, the looks and comments I got then, me waddling heavily pregnant around a supermarket leading my then three year old daughter who blatantly had many many itchy chicken pox spots at the time.

Unfortunately, this trip evoked many pitying stares, many nice comments.  I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me.

My son was very very poorly in the middle of the supermarket.  All over himself and my feet.

We managed to get the milk, and indeed the bread.

This was the second time this week that one of my children has been sick in a very public place.  My seven year old daughter was very poorly in the middle of a food court at a shopping outlet.  Thankfully this time, I was in control of the travel situation and didn’t have to subject the poorly child to very very important (my left foot!) trainer shopping that couldn’t be postponed.  It took two whole hours before we managed to get back to the car.

Now (touch wood) all is quiet and I can retire to bed when I choose, (very soon, I need some sleep!) my only current quandary is whether to watch the Royal Wedding tomorrow or not.

And I can sigh in relief that unlike 48 hours ago when it was my daughter who was at the peak of the gastroenteritis, I am fairly reassured that my son is nowhere near on the brink of being admitted to hospital.

This time 48 hours ago, all three of us were sat at the out of hours GP surgery at the hospital waiting for the Doctor to decide whether to admit my daughter or not.

I can’t wait until they are both properly better.  Although I will probably have the nasty virus myself, I don’t mind.  I have managed before to parent whilst very poorly.  I just wish I could have it instead of either of them.

Here I am

Filed under: Family,Writing — by badluckfairy @ 22:59

Unconditional, never faltering.  This is what I offer to you.

I’d never walk away, never turn my back.  I may be weak but I could never give up on you.

I’ve held your hand.  I’ve walked behind you to catch you if you fell.

I’ve stroked your face for hours on end.  I’ve held my breath listening to you breathe.

I’ve sacrificed anything I could to make sure that you’ve never gone without.

I’d face everything again just to see that one first moment for a second if I could.

I’m not perfect, I don’t think I could ever be all that you deserve.

But I offer you all that I am, all that I can ever be.

And I know that you accept me.

You’ve sat and stroked my face when I’ve been sad.  You’ve held my hand, feeling security from the connection that gave.

You’ve walked behind me despite knowing I could fall.

I will never love anyone the way I love you.

You will eternally be part of me, part of my heart.

Unconditional, never faltering. You will always have my love, faith and support.

My two beautiful children who will always be more than I deserve.  You are perfect in my eyes.

That could never change.

April 20, 2011

The Monkey called Ben

Filed under: Family,Health,Kids,Writing — by badluckfairy @ 17:42

My 7 year old has just written this.  She said it will help me understand how she feels about school.  I don’t really know what to make of this.

The Monkey called Ben

Once upon a time there was a little monkey called Ben.

Now Ben had no friends.  The Lion didn’t want to be Ben’s friend.

Neither did Elephant nor Bear.  Tiger didn’t want to be Ben’s friend either.

One day, Ben came running home crying ‘Mum, Dad, guess what?  I’ve got a new friend, it’s Gorilla!

Gorilla told me I can come to his party!’.

On the day of the party, Ben got caught in a net.

Ben got taken to the human world and a palace.

He was announced as Prince Monkey.

After that, Gorilla didn’t want to be Ben’s friend anymore.

Ben wasn’t told at all.

Gorilla never ever ever ever never played with Ben ever again.

The two animals once forgave eachother.  And from that day on, nobody bothered to say no to being Ben’s friend.

And they all lived happily ever after.

March 22, 2011

30, one more than 29.

Filed under: Family — by badluckfairy @ 13:35

It’s just dawned on me that when I wake up tomorrow morning, I’ll have one more day of being in my 20’s.

How did this happen?  Last thing I remember it was my birthday party, I was 8.

Now I’m a single Mother of 2 and very very nearly 30!

I know I’m not going to get to midnight tomorrow and feel any different to how I do now.  As far as I’m concerned, I will always mentally be 19.  But on paper I’m going to be 30- Thirty!

Hmmm, I don’t think denial is going to work this time.


March 19, 2011

Socially devoted to you

Filed under: Family,Kids — by badluckfairy @ 22:15

How do you help someone who likes to sing from their own page fit in socially?

Someone who doesn’t want to be a social sheep.  Someone who’s outlook and philosophy of life is inspiring and intriguing?

Who is this someone?  My seven year old daughter.

On Thursday whilst having a heart to heart about trust, and what it means to be able to trust someone, my daughter let slip one of her most guarded secrets.

After saying it, she quickly asked ‘Did I say that out loud?’.

Then proceeded to deny that she felt that way.

‘I don’t feel like I fit in with the girls at school’.

That’s what she said.  And after a little coaxing she admitted that she did feel a little bit like it was true.

I wish this post featured me coming to some kind of conclusion.  Me deciding on some kind of action.  But alas, it doesn’t.

The only thing I have done is to speak to one of the teachers at school without my daughter being there.  They have said they will try and encourage her to interact with the girls more often.

They say that the other girls would be upset if they knew how my daughter felt.

Does anyone have any ideas?  I sure don’t.

March 18, 2011

Feed the world….

Filed under: Family,Health,Humanities,Kids — by badluckfairy @ 23:02

I wish I could.

It’s Comic Relief and I feel really bad because I can’t phone and pledge some money or text and pledge.

Even if I could, I couldn’t be 100% sure that there is enough money in my bank account to donate.

I’m glad I haven’t got a credit card because I think I’d probably spend the next year or two paying off my pledge.

My children went to bed late tonight.  My daughter went to her friend’s party which didn’t finish until 9pm.

Of course as soon as she got in the car she started complaining that she was hungry.  So they both sat and had a snack when we got home.

My darling daughter said ‘Thank goodness it is Red Nose Day else the people in this clip on tv might have died’.  We were indeed watching Comic Relief on BBC1.

I’m so glad my babies are fat asleep in bed now.  I don’t think my sensitive girl, or even my boisterous boy would’ve coped with seeing the clip I’ve just seen.

It was about a prematurely born baby boy and his Mum who sadly died as they were too weak to be able to reach the much needed hospital care they needed in time.  They did reach the help, but sadly it was far too late.

Please, if anyone is reading, if you are in a position to make a donation, please do.

March 17, 2011

You can’t choose your family….

Filed under: Family,Humanities — by badluckfairy @ 21:54

Really you can’t.  But would you have the rich tapestry of life before you that you have if you could choose your family?

Maybe I could’ve been born into a rich family, but they wouldn’t be the family I have, know and love.

Tonight I told my Mum that if she did something, I would disown her.

My Mum is considering becoming a Jehovah’s Witness.

Now, I do not have a problem with Jehovah’s Witnesses.  I used to work with a guy who is one.  He’s a great guy.

I’ll answer my door if they knock on it.  I’ll even politely say ‘No thankyou’ when they offer me their leaflets.

What I really don’t agree with is the fact that they go door to door preaching.  Ok, they do it very politely and on the most part respectfully.  But still, I’m not knocking on their doors preaching atheism at them, so why should they knock on my door preaching their religion to me?

And come on, Christmas just wouldn’t be Christmas without my Mum’s Christmas dinner spread!

I’ve pointed her in the direction of the New Life Church.  I’ve been thinking for quite some time that she would get enjoyment and some fulfilment from joining one of their Churches.

I wont be joining her.  But I have nothing against her taking my 7 year old daughter with her.  My daughter has her own beliefs and I respect that.

Blog at