badluckfairy

May 12, 2011

A letter for you

Filed under: Family,Writing — by badluckfairy @ 22:49

Thinking about it, I become terrified.

My mouth becomes dry, my heart begins to palpitate and my head begins to swim in thoughts I wish I hadn’t experienced.

Memories flood my vision and I can’t help but wish I had another chance.

If only I could be reasonable and wish for only a fleeting moment.  But no, I wish for an eternity that would be far more of a miracle than a mere fleeting moment.

I see your face.

How I long to be able to smell your aftershave.  To have you whisk me into your arms.  To even smell the tobacco as we sit in the car, creating our own little sanctuary of music and peace.

I remember the times when I did you wrong.  Regret sweeps over me as I remind myself that I was just a small child at the time.

It’s been so many years since I last heard your voice, I can almost hear it echoing now in my memory.

It’s not often that more than a day or two go by without me thinking of you and remembering just how much I miss you.

I remember the day you came to trim our hedge.  I was still in my pyjamas, but that didn’t stop me breaking free from the house and shadowing you for the entire time you worked.

You finished your tea and cigarette when you had finished.  The you bundled me into your arms and told me that the rest of the day was ours.

I remember how Mum protested, saying I needed to get dressed first.  But that didn’t stop you from carrying me to your car and whisking me away to teach me everything you could in the time we had together before the sun set.

I owe my love of words to you.

You’d sit me down at age four, give me the dictionary and give me a word to look up.

I would tell you the spelling of the word and the concise meaning.

Before I started school, you drove us to the school I would attend and explained to me what was going to happen.  On my first day, I had no anxiety, I loved every moment of the beginning of my learning journey.

You taught me riddles and rhymes.  For years I pondered on the answers, but when I had them I didn’t let on.  I was happy to let you continue to think I was puzzled, I took great delight in the triumphant look on your face each time you repeated your favourite riddle.

I miss you more than I can bear imagine any other being could comprehend.

My only comfort is that I hope I leave such lasting and vivid happy memories with the family I am creating.

You will always be in my heart, mind and memory.

With eternal love and regret, your youngest namesake x

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